Jessica, you wrote, “I also wonder how many men would be fine with a boss who rubbed their shoulders while deeply inhaling the back of their head.”
I once had a married female co-worker rub her hand across my back — a clear invitation. This did not happen often, because I have not had a-lot of female co-workers, since I work in a male dominated profession. Another time a married co-worker touched my hand under the table as she and her husband were having dinner with me and my then girlfriend. The land of inappropriate behavior is not inhabited only by men. (BTW, I have always been unresponsive to such advances.) Over the years, I have known many women who dated married men, and one in particular sought them out.
And I agree with you, that if inappropriate touching were a common occurrence, which I think it is for many women, it would be a nuisance or worse.
I am not sure if Biden’s behavior is about objectification— it might be more a case of an old guy simply adoring women and pushing the limit of what is allowed, as was the case of Al Franken. Is it ok? No. But it is quite different in its intention than what someone who objectifies women might intend. But I agree with you that if that kind of thing happened all the time to me, I would start to get annoyed.
On the related topic of “consent”, we have a dilemma. In our culture, one does not ask, “May I kiss you?” or “May I touch your hand?” To do so would surely ruin the moment. One asks for consent by trying: if the other person “kisses you back”, then you have consent. The line is crossed if they don’t kiss you back, but you persist.
So when people read, “Unwanted advance”, referring to a non-platonic romantic or sexual advance, it is not clear what that means. Since men are — via-a-vis our culture — generally the ones who make the first attempt (the burden of taking the risk is traditionally on them), men are confused by the phrase “unwanted advance”. They think, “Well, how do I know if it is unwanted unless I try?”
We apparently need new rules. You are right: there needs to be a conversation about these situations and what is appropriate. And we need to recognize also, as one commenter pointed out, that if the goal is that no one will be uncomfortable, then that goal is out of reach. People differ, and cultural norms differ. My wife told me that she would have liked it if Biden kissed her on the head; but I can see why others might not like it. And in France, it is the norm that people kiss each other on the cheek when greeting. Yuck! I can equally well see that the norms in a small Texas town might be different from NY city. Life is messy.
If we don’t have this conversation, then we might be headed to a situation in which no touching of any kind is allowed — kind of like that Isaac Asimov story of people who live on a planet no closer than a hundred miles from each other, because any closer would be intolerable. Or that TV show Monk (from a book series), in which, after shaking someone’s hand, his assistant would whip out a sanitizing wipe for him.
To avoid these extremes, new norms are urgently needed, as you say!
