It is a problem as old as civilization. Tribal leaders of ten thousand years ago were surely extroverted. (I have no evidence for that — it is just a hunch.)
And often the loud aggressive heroes are nothing more than good salespeople who don’t really know much. Some recent examples are Elizabeth Holmes — now infamous — and Cheryl Sandberg, who is now known to be a sleezy liar — you won’t hear me using the expression “lean in” anymore.
As an introverted man, I have had an experience similar to yours. The expectation among men is that the “leader” will be aggressive, dominant, and extroverted — a “people person”. The quiet ones get ignored. To this day, despite that I am an expert in my field, I am routinely ignored in meetings, and I don’t even try to get a word in: I let the loudmouths trade rapid-fire shallow thoughts and pat each other on the back, and then reach out to people individually afterwards in order to have more thoughtful and reflective discussions. The only time I can contribute effectively in a group is when my explicit role is to lead the discussion.
Susan Cain’s writing resonated strongly with me, as did Goleman’s Focus, and Cal Newport’s Deep Work.
To those who think we all need to be face-to-face and talking all the time, I would argue that the best forms of collaboration occur over time, using a mixture of approaches, which include people thinking independently as well as face-to-face discussion.
Great epiphanies tend to happen in solitude. Dirac solved relativistic quantum mechanics while staring at a fireplace. Newton wrote Philosophiæ while in virtual isolation, communicating with others mostly in writing. Hamilton had his epiphany regarding quaternion division algebra while strolling with his wife — not in a collaborative group discussion. I wish I had some examples of women, but as you surely know, history has mostly identified men who had theoretical breakthroughs, though I am sure there were women who did. I recently read that Elizabeth Moore, the wife of Claude Shannon (inventor of information theory) was an equal collaborator with Shannon, and surely contributed to that work. For all we know, she was the one who had the epiphany.
Regarding women in group settings, I try to ensure that they don’t get shouted down or ignored, when I am in a position to do so. The quiet people are indeed often the thoughtful ones. I have found that if one establishes a pattern of paying attention to the quiet but thoughtful ones in a group, others start to emulate that.
